Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

Boy never ceases to amaze me

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set