Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
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Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
A man of commitment.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
bros in the example zone 😭
