Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
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Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
describing stardew valley
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Respect
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!