Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

What personal space?

My dog

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries