Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me