Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
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When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Krampus.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Those are good neighbors.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
