My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
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What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
aesthetic
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.