Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
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Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
My Plans 2020
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.