I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
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Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Smooooooth
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.