Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!

Phone camera: lol is it?

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.