Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

Mornin

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

*pronounces patio like ratio

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.