Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

#NoRestForTheWicked

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.