For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Yup!
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
The sacred texts.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
