Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

A ghost story

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here