Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
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Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR