I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
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You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Mouse
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?