STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
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Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I feel attacked.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
You can’t outrun your problems…
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred