Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

Cool shirt 🙂

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

Why did they have to bleep out everything R2D2 said?

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.