Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]