just gave my 5yo power of attorney
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5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
She was REALLY feeling it.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane