I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Just parrot things
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line