If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
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Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
That eye roll….
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on