It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
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This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
*checks Timeline*…
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me