WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
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*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
wtf is a larm clock?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.