Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
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Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado