Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
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rebranding
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.