Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
You Might Also Like
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.