My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
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Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago