*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
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My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used