I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
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Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
ok hear me out: Luigiana
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.