Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

my astrological sign is a french fry