I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
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#dalle2
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I just love that new Pope smell.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.