Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here

3 yr old: no

Me: you just want bare feet?

3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

This is hilarious