This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
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DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.