Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

🤣

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

Twitter is an abusement park.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car