Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

“you changed” bro i was 15

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested