Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
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Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
We know he can swim but…
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in