*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
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god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
early stone age tool
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*