Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

who named him groot and not spruce lee

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

I’m having an out of money experience.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.