FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
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pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.