Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”