As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Stop it! 😂
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
favorite tropes as memes
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.