a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
You Might Also Like
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.