Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

I’m literally crying

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t