Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
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Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture