“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
You Might Also Like
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
But is it really??
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!