Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?