“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
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{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi