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when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Monday Lisa
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Hell yeah 👍
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
adding to the discourse
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm