It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
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People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]