Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

😂

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf